Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Königsberg, 1935-12-01) is an American film director, writer, musician, actor, and comedian.

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Life is a deadly sexually transmitted disease.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

A mouse is an animal that, when killed in sufficient quantities, under controlled conditions, produces a doctoral thesis.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.